


I'm Sorry (I Didn't Mean To)

by le_paquet_fou



Series: All Our Joy, All Our Pain [2]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, No Beta We Die Like Clones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:07:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26449774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/le_paquet_fou/pseuds/le_paquet_fou
Summary: He made a mistake. A horrible one that keeps him up at night. How the hell is he going to make it right?
Series: All Our Joy, All Our Pain [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1762891
Comments: 9
Kudos: 35
Collections: AOJAOP Universe





	I'm Sorry (I Didn't Mean To)

**Author's Note:**

> On my journey to sympathise with Fox, I created this. I wanted to try and have something realistic between him and Rex after Fives' death: not Rex shutting him out, but not forgiving him or understanding him either. Something sort of a mix of both.

It was a mistake. He hadn’t known, he was so sure it had been set to stun. And yet it hadn’t, and now the ghost haunts him, refusing to let him rest even in the short few hours he has to sleep. It’s hell.

Fox knows he should talk to Rex. Explain himself. He was just doing his duty, as every soldier does and as every commander pledges himself to do. He has to understand what he did. He  _ has _ to know it was a mistake, right?

He sighs and pushes himself up from his desk, glancing at the tabletop strewn with paperwork. He knows he’ll have to do it at some point, but that time isn’t now. He can’t go a second longer knowing he made the biggest mistake one could make without even trying to apologise or make things right.

He steps out of his office quickly, locking the door and hoping a shiny doesn’t decide to try and go to him while he’s gone. That’s one more problem he just doesn’t have the time or energy to deal with right now.

The halls are eerily quiet. He’s not used to it; he’s more comfortable with the annoying yet reassuring chaos that normally swirls around his headquarters. But, he supposes the silence is fitting. He doesn’t want insanity around him when he has to stir up the dead and open hardly healed wounds.

At the barracks, he can feel cold looks from 501st troops pierce through his armour and latch on to his soul. It sends a shiver down his back, one he suppresses but doesn’t feel any less. He already knows what they think of him, what everyone in the GAR probably thinks of him at this point.  _ Brother killer _ . And as much as those words hurt him, he can’t let it show. He’s not the one people pity.

He doesn’t have to search long to find Rex. He’s in his quarters, at his desk doing work as if nothing happened, not even moving when the door opens. Fox sees through it instantly; it’s a facade he’s put up more times than he can count.

“Captain.”

“Commander.” He doesn’t look up from his work, but he clearly knows it’s Fox. His tone is flat, not exactly rude but not inviting either, just robotic. “Why are you here?”

“I want to apologise. For what I did. And, if you’ll listen to me, explain myself to you.” The air hangs heavy with a pause, and Rex puts down the holopad in his hands to turn and face Fox.

“Go on.”

“I made a mistake. I had my orders to hunt him down and to subdue him, but it was never my intent to kill him. My blaster was set to stun beforehand, I don’t know how it was switched, but I swear to you, I didn’t want to kill him.”

“And I believe you, to a point. What I don’t believe is that you didn’t intend on killing him. Not wanting to is one thing, but still doing it because you were ordered to is another.”

“My orders weren’t to kill. If they were, you and I both know I would have gone for the head.” Silence stretches between them, and Fox can only feel his guilt pushing him further into the ground.

“So why didn’t you check your blaster? Why didn’t you make sure it was on stun?”

“I--” His voice catches in his throat. Why didn’t he? It’s an amateur mistake, one he shouldn’t be making. “I don’t know. I can think of possible reasons, but I don’t really know.”

“So he died because of a mindless mistake?” Rex’s face scrunches up, and he puts his head in his hands.

“I really am sorry. I wish it hadn’t happened.” Fox fidgets in the still room, wanting more than anything to bury himself in his work and not think like Rex had been doing a few minutes prior, but he knows he can’t leave. Not until some sort of resolution is made. “I’m not looking for forgiveness. I understand I’ll never earn that from you. But I wanted to explain myself, I hoped you would understand why I did what I did. I didn’t mean to kill Fives.” 

“I know. But I don’t believe you, and I don’t fully understand why. Not anymore.” All Fox can do is nod. “I can’t forgive you. Not right now, and probably not for a long time, but that shouldn’t interfere with us doing our jobs. Let’s just focus on that for now.”

“Of course, captain. I’ll leave you be now.” Rex nods, and Fox leaves. He can still hear the murmurs of the blue painted soldiers as he passes by, and they only serve to make him hurt more.

He’ll never be understood. That’s what hurts the most. He can give his reasons, he can be civil, but he’ll never be understood by his brothers. They’ll shun him, look down on him, be disgusted with him, and that hurts more than anything else he’s ever felt.

All he can do now is focus on his work. Be the Guard commander, get shit done, follow his orders to the best of his ability. The others might not understand him, but that won’t stop him from being a good soldier, and good soldiers follow orders.


End file.
